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Feedback. I'm writing a book, and i need some help..? Well I need some help. I'm writing a book and this is just an excerpt out of the first couple pages. Would you keep reading it? Any ideas to make it better?
School on Halloween isn’t as bad as you think. I convinced Irina to let me use a tutu, and Cole to snag me some glitter and wings. All together, our fairy trio was adorable. Irina is my best friend, that’s a girl. Cole is my best friend, that’s a guy. Irina is troubled with being an only guy, and her father’s mistress. Her dyed, thin, short, black hair has nothing to do with being Goth or rogue, she just likes how it makes her pale, disguising her to be delicate. Its pixie cut. This is her ultimate goal. Her silver eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara make her blue eyes seem deeper than the ocean. Her round face and petite body give way to her delicate goal. Now Cole is a whole other story. He’s your prep, totally not gay, go- to guy. Usually only I can go- to him. He’s sweet but still chases tail. His hair is golden, long and shaggy. More like he just woke up but still showers kind of look. His features are blunt, but soften in just the right places. Like his eyes and his mouth. He actually reminds me of an Abercrombie and Fitch model, even though it’s a horrible example. Tan, cute, and buff. They’re pretty much my circle of friends but I accept them. Loners, thespians, Goths, crustys, preps, jocks, fags, potheads, wannabes. I belong to none of those groups. Not one. Weird but oddly calming.
“Rina, that tutu just screams fallen angel. Blue glitter, silver tutu, and purple wings. It’s like you peek into my head and figure out what I think will be perfect on you. Jesus girl, you make me want to hurl myself to your feet,” Cole said quickly. His country twang is adorable.
Wow. Utterly wow. Cole makes me wonder whether I should believe that bullshit of him not interested in cock.
“Reenie! Cute as cherries. Really.” Well I can’t make her depressed. I surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth sometimes.
“Aw. People care about me. Where’s my barf bag?”
“Dry sense of humor Rina. Really dry. Anyways, I talked to Mr. Hissred and I got him to spill on the fact that his affair with Mrs. Unimer, the secretary in the main office, resulted in triplets. All boys. All ugly as a mofo. Really, teachers just can’t keep it in their pants these days…”
As he droned on I kept on walking toward my locker unable to shake the fact that my stomach senses something that my mind isn’t catching up to. There is something different near me and I just can’t think of what it is. Paint job? No. Poster? No. Person? Yes?
Definitely yes. There’s someone new. Near me. Who. Could. It. Be.
Right then I saw him. Staring at me. Very tall, very graceful. His eyes a vibrant violet; his hair a mixture of auburn and chestnut, cropped just right so the sides are short and the top is long but not resembling a Mohawk. The front long, hanging down his face but not covering those unmistakably astonishing eyes. He’s built yet not broad enough to strike himself as fierce. His board shorts hung loosely around his hips. His tank draped across his top half perfectly, looking as if someone molded it on his body. Muscle tank on a surfer, hmm new but spicy.
Then I look down at myself.
Brown hair, full color, short and thick, sitting on top of my shoulders with only one or two layers in it. I have curves, but not crazy ones that'd make a person stare. Moles all over my body: neck, face, legs, hands, everywhere. Jade green eyes. Eyeliner, mascara, and peach bronze eye shadow only. My old holey jeans showing not pale but not tan legs. Plain white tee, white hoodie in hand. Multi- colored painted toenails (I couldn’t decide on a color) and flip-flops painted my feet with the only real color. Wow, I’m like the complete opposite of him. Compared to him, I’m like his servant. With him looking like a god and all.
I felt pathetic. Then I could feel him watching me. His eyes gawking at me as if I just flashed him. Staring at each other madly, he took a step closer, then another. Closing in the space between us. I felt distant from my body. Like my mind was trying to reach for his and my body was nonchalantly trying to respond in the same way.
Then I tore my eyes away from his and stopped. Scrutinizing myself for breaking free from those violet eyes.
I felt nuts three seconds later, feeling as if I just discovered a new galaxy. I forgot about it, shook off his stare, and trotted down the hall.
To keep myself from looking back I just kept mumbling “That did not happen. I just saw some flicker. There’s no one behind that’s new. It’s all in my head. It's all in my damn head.”
Rushing past my English teacher Ms. Yundar, I did everything except run to my seat. My seat is perfect, last row and last seat in the back, by the window, no one by me, breeze fluttering in the window.
Just there was one thin | OMYGOD, YOU ARE AMAZING.
KEEP WRITING. I WANT TO READ MORE :D |
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